To top it all off, I've been exceptionally worn out, partly from the driving, but partly from the frustrating nightmares.
Nightmare #1 (sometime last week): I'm in an airport, and I'm trying to get to my plane, which is leaving imminently, but I can't find the gate. And then I try to use an ATM, but it's asking me for confirmation numbers and departure times and gate numbers that I don't know or have. There's a line of people behind me, and they're rolling their eyes and taping their feet, and I'm frustrated because I need to get the money out to buy the ticket, but I need ticket information to do this, and no one will help me. Finally, I get to my gate (how? I don't know) and there's a delay because there are these stunt fliers who are trying to do tricks around planes which are trying to take off. I want none of this, and when the captain announces he's going to depart anyway, I start trying to tell him that this is very dangerous, and he's risking everyone's lives, and maybe he should wait, but he's just looking at me, all bemused, and nodding. "Riiiiiiiiight..." says the captain, and tries to take off anyway. I start pleading with anyone who will listen to convince the captain this is a bad idea, and I'm getting more and more upset, but no one notices.
I woke up, gasping for breath.
Nightmare #2a (last night): I'm walking across a lawn and I notice a lot of spider legs on the ground, and I realize this means there are tarantulas around. In reality, I'm not wild about them, but in my dream, I'm hysterical. I'm running across the lawn, screaming and crying, and when I realize there's one on my leg, I flat out panic. I'm standing on a counter to get away from the big, bad dream tarantulas (because... seriously, in my dream they're freakin' huge - like the size of my head), still screaming, and I'm desperate for someone to save me now. There doesn't appear to be anyone around, when a voice asks me just what the hell it is that I'm doing. "There are SPIDERS!!! And they're HUGE!!! And I don't like THEM!!!" I sob. "Well, they're just tarantulas, and they're more afraid of you than you are of them." Two things, Stupid Dream Voice:
- "X is more afraid of you than you are of it" is the least useful platitude to say to someone who is having a complete and utter breakdown. It ranks right up there with, "Suck it up" and "It wasn't meant to be."
- Obviously, I've move waaaaay past Rational Land and am well into Loosing My Mind Scared Territory. Perhaps you might want to calm me down some before talking to me like I'm an idiot?
Interlude: Now, if my mother and grandfather ever corner you to tell you stories about me when I was a child, run. Seriously - they fight dirty, so be careful. Otherwise, if you don't get away in time, you'll have to hear about how as I child, while I was terrified of volcanoes (specifically Mount St. Helens), earthquakes and other natural disasters, I read almost every book in existence about them. Maybe I thought knowing about natural disasters would mean that I could avoid being in one, which seems ridiculous now but made sense when I was ten.
My biggest fear, once I realized there were no major fault lines or volcanoes in Southern Ontario, were tornadoes, because it was entirely possible that my house could be flattened by a tornado. I couldn't watch The Wizard of Oz because that whole bit with the tornado scared the living crap out of me. There were major tornados in Edmonton and Barrie when I was a kid, and I hid in the basement every time there was a thunderstorm after that.
All this to say that the dream got worse....
Nightmare #2b (last night, again): All of a sudden, I jumped off the counter and ran into the living room, where all of my immediate and most of my extended family (including relatives from Down East), were sitting around talking and laughing. Through the big picture window, I could see the tornado, which was big and rapidly approaching. I try to get everyone's attention and tell them to get into the basement, but no one seems concerned. I have the basement door open, and I'm hollering and crying and begging everyone to get into the basement because the tornado is coming, and I know it's going to destroy the house; gradually, they start moving towards the basement, but my dad is telling everyone that it's going to be okay, so no one is hurrying, but I'm still sobbing and begging everyone to hurry up. Of course, not everyone makes it into the basement, and of course, the tornado hits the house. The house is destroyed, and everyone, except my dad and I and everyone who made it into the basement, has disappeared. Dad looks sad and says to me, "Oh, that's too bad. Both your computers and the external hard drive were destroyed." And I scream at him, "SOD THE FUCKING COMPUTERS!!! WHERE DID EVERYONE GO?"
Again, I wake up gasping for breath.
And these are just the ones I remember. There have been several dreams like this over the past month, where I'm trying to get someone to help me or listen to me and no one is interested or takes me seriously. It's so frustrating, and it's stressing me out in my sleep. Maybe my subconscious is telling me to let go? I don't know - these things I'm stressing out about in my dreams seem like pretty big things, and it's not like I'm sweating the petty things.**
* (It wasn't said, but the "Duh" was totally implied.)
** Corollary: don't pet the sweaty things.