Wednesday, August 03, 2005

An Open Letter to my Digestive System

Okay, that's it. I give up - can you please tell me if I'm lactose intolerant or not? I just wish you'd make up your mind, because I'm sick and tired of the guessing game every time I consume dairy products.

So far, this much I know for certain:

Milk in my tea or coffee = good
Cream in my tea or coffee = bad
Hot chocolate made with milk = good
Glass of milk = very bad

Porridge/oatmeal, cream of wheat = good
Pudding = good
Rice pudding = bad (although that might not be your fault - Mr. Rice has recently let it be known that he doesn't like me all that much either.)

Ice cream = good
Soft ice cream = bad
Milkshakes = bad

Cheese = good
Petit Dannons = sometimes bad (it's a cheese product)
Yogurt = good

But here's where the problems begin. You let me eat yogurt most of the time. But this morning? Not one of those times. Why? Did I do something? Say something? I don't know what I did, but I've spent the better part of the day in agony. Like, I'd happily disembowel myself if it would only make the twisting pain in my intestines go away. Now I'm tired and miserable, and I'm still having sharp pains associated with the inability to digest dairy products.

I thought it was a false alarm a few years back, when I was getting sick for no reason every so often. I cut out almost all dairy, and it seemed to get better. Turns out it was actually gall stones playing tricks on me*. So I gradually started returning dairy to my diet. Now you see fit to torture me again, and I can't even threaten you with anything.

Just... stop. Enough already.

Bloated and gassy,

*I had the last laugh - I had my gallbladder removed in the summer of 2000.**
** Ahhhh... summer of 2000. Those were good times. Good times.